Welcome back my friends. What is going on?
This is episode #22 and today I want to talk about resetting your emotions set point.
What is your “go to” emotion?
You know, the emotion that bubbles up when…
- husband is late again…frustration
- the kids are fighting, again…irritation
- your co-worker interrupts you, again…
- your friend is late again…
There is a real thing called emotional set point which is the medium or average of all of your daily emotions but it’s also the way that you generally experience life.
Just regular routine day to day life.
We all have dominant emotions, responses to things in our lives that dominate how we show up in response to things, over and over again.
The question to ask yourself is…
- Does it work for you?
- Is THAT how you WANT to show up in that scenario?
- Is it serving the result that you want to create?
Here is why that is important.
When we got married, we had an idea and an expectation of how that would be, what that experience would be like.
When we had children the same thing.
We spend more of our waking hours at work, that experience is important.
If I knew the answer to how you could actually get all the people to change, I would bottle it and sell it and be on a beach somewhere warm.
I mean, I have even tried the method of changing the people who were in my life, I just got all new people and guess what?
They were irritating, frustrating, confusing and annoying too!
We don’t have change all the people who are in our lives and they don’t have to change how they show up in order for us to have a different experience with our life.
We don’t have to feel any of those feelings in response to what others say or do.
My go to emotion was always just on edge, ready to be defensive, ready to be frustrated, sitting on the verge of my next annoyance.
I mean I had occasional moment of joy and excitement and other positive emotions available to me from time to time but, my emotional set point was on edge.
I really thought that meds would help because just sitting around thinking pretty thoughts didn’t help me when I was triggered by the circumstance.
When I found my coach a few years ago, that’s when I learned that I was the one creating my own frustration, annoyance and irritation.
People were just being people. Me thinking they should be different than they were was what was driving me nutso.
The reason that this is important is that trying to create a result from frustration usually creates more frustration.
Trying to create a result from irritation or annoyance, fuels more irritation and annoyance.
If we want high octane results, we must be fueled by high octane.
So ask yourself what your actions are being fueled by?
Is your “go to” emotion fueling creative action, productive action, thoughtful action, and massive action?
…or does your “go to” emotion have you yelling at the kids, ignoring the husband and feeling resentment for co-worker and friends?
We can reset your emotional set point and have you showing up as your highest and best self, today!
Our emotions are the fuel for everything that we do or don’t do. You know that by now but you can’t hear this too much.
When our emotional set point is set to high octane fuel, we take high octane action.
When our emotional set point is to low octane fuel, we will take low octane action.
We may even take the same action but they will have different energy fueling it so the result will be different.
We think that we are feeling our feeling because of what someone says or does and that’s not true.
We are feeling what we are feeling because of the thought that we are having about what someone says or does.
That’s the best news ever, why?
Because we are the ones in charge of what we think about everything.
Now, here is the deal.
The reason that we react to any given scenario time and time again is just because we have had the same thought in response to the circumstance and we have created a groove in our brain, a neuro pathway.
Over time, that pathway gets deeply grooved and easy to access.
But here is the good news, we are not hard wired, we can rewire our brain at any time.
We can create new neuro pathways in our brain and over time, that new neuro pathway will be the go to thought and the go to emotion.
Here is an example;
When Steve is having a moment and maybe he is in a bad mood, that used to trigger me to be short and curt and snarky in response to his bad mood.
I used to think things like, what’s he so ticked about. I might even try to take ownership of his mood and try to think of what I did to make him so cranky.
You know…I would make it about me.
In this scenario I would be mirroring his behavior so if he said something in a smart alec tone I would respond back the same way.
Of course, that never makes for a good day for either of us and it leads to bickering and arguing or what I call bickerment. Not quite an argument but more than bickering.
So, what to do instead?
Decide ahead of time how you want to feel and what you want to think instead of how you have been thinking and feeling.
So when kids start yelling and screaming and running through the house, that’s not an invitation to scream at them, although it’s a very accessible response.
How do you want to respond?
How do you want to show up?
When someone interrupts you in a meeting, talks over you or shows up late? Whatever they do that typically triggers you…
What is a way that you can respond or show up that is your highest and best-self. What’s going to be better fuel for the action that you take.
Action that you can be proud of. Action that is more creative, productive, supportive, thoughtful, inspiring or massive.
Decide ahead of time how you what to feel and what you want to think.
Practice it ahead of time.
When faced with the typical triggering scenario…execute.
So, in this example, I want to show up supportive. Not make it about me, let him process whatever he is going through and dealing with and not layer on another component to that process.
The thought that I have that helps me be supportive instead of combative is…he’s just having a moment, I am going to let him process this and support his process.
That puts me in an entire different energy and when I take responsibility for how I show up that leaves space for him to take responsibility for how he shows up.
I don’t make it mean anything about me or about him. It’s just two humans being human.
If you are ready to take this work to the next level, ping me.
Alright my friends, I hope that you have the best week ever!!!
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