Working With Difficult People

Welcome back my friends.  Today, I thought is would be fun to talk about working with difficult people.  I mean, if that’s not fun…

This is episode #17.  Can you believe that? 

Each week, this just gets more and more fun as I read your reviews and your emails.  Keep the love coming my friends.  If you have not left me a review yet, come on, listen to the end to see what is in it for you when you do.

You can listen here or read on.

Alright…let’s get started…

When it comes to people, and by people, I mean everyone one, not just difficult people, how we experience each other is through our thoughts about them.

Our relationship with everyone in our life is our thoughts about them. 

Now, we might be influenced by things that they say and do, by their behavior, but, it’s still our thoughts about them that is our relationship with them.

And, if you have been listening for a while, you know that it is our thoughts that create our emotions and our emotions become fuel for how we show up in the worlds and that is what creates our results.

So, when you think someone is difficult, it’s generally because you don’t like something that they said or did or you don’t like the way they say or do things.

Sometimes it’s not even about the words as much as the tone and body language.

You might have thoughts like “that’s just rude,” or “I don’t like it when people are dismissive,” or  “negative people are annoying.”

You may even think your thoughts are justified by their behavior.

They talk over people, and they appear to be extremely direct and non-collaborative, maybe they are too loud or too quiet.  They show up late, they aren’t prepared.   All the annoying behavior that makes a person difficult to work with.

Here is what is so crazy about how our brain works and what I want you to really think about this week…

As soon as we think someone is difficult, we start seeing evidence everywhere to support that thought.

Pretty soon, that’s all we see when we see of them.

True Story

A few years ago, I was working with someone that I put into the category of difficult.

She was rude, short and curt, dismissive of the ideas of others.  Her body language was always arms crossed in front of her very tightly, as if she were giving herself a hug.  She never greeted anyone as she walked into the room and when she spoke, she was loud!

Notice all the thoughts that I have about her in my description of her.  When we have thoughts like these running through our brain, this is what our eyes will seek and provide as evidence of our thoughts.

All the thoughts I was having about her was changing the way I showed up!

I was showing up in a way that I was not proud of.  I would show up in meetings a little less vocal.  I would hold back.  I did not engage when I should have for fear of what she would say or how she would say it. 

I didn’t contribute in meetings like I should have.

Me thinking she was difficult did not change her, it changed me.

And here is the deal…she was also extremely smart and generous and talented.  Because I was so wrapped up in her being difficult, my eyes did not see all of her other attributes.

This is an area of growth that is definitely worth doing the work because, how many of us are working with people that we think are difficult, and we think about leaving the company we love or a job we love so much because of a person we think we can’t work with right?

Maybe you have done that. 

I have. 

And then what I found out is that there are difficult people everywhere and if I didn’t figure out how to manage my mind around it I would be either living a miserable existence at work or I would constantly be job hopping.

I opted for figuring it out.

Here is the deal…

Your brain wants to prove your thoughts true regardless of them being true or not. It’s the brain fulfilling it’s need to support your thoughts. 

It’s confirmation bias.  A totally normal human brain at work.

As humans, we spend most of our time thinking about how others should or should not behave with us, and we spend extraordinarily little time examining how we are reacting to them.

However you see them with your thoughts, your eyes will provide the evidence for. 

You may not like what other people do or say, and here are a 3 mind shift for you…

1.  Not liking how they behave is not an excuse for how you behave. 
2. You don’t have to wait for them to act differently before you start acting differently. 
3. The only way they will ever change is if THEY decide to, not because YOU want them to.

You having the thought that someone is difficult, is what is making them difficult.

I know you think it is what they are saying or doing…the circumstance, but it’s not. 

It’s the thoughts that you are having, it’s what you are making their behavior or words mean that is creating the notion that this person is difficult.

And remember…just because you think it does not make it true!

Here are 3 points that I think about when I think someone is difficult.

1. Humans may display behavior that I think is difficult to deal with, but people are not difficult.
2. People are just being people, I am just being human, they are just being human.
3. When I believe that someone is difficult, it changes how I show up, how I interact and how I perform.

The last point is why I even go to work in this area of my life…because of how I show up when I think someone is difficult.

I don’t want you to work on this for their benefit, I want you to work on it for your benefit.

I am attaching a link to workbook in the show notes designed to help you change the relationship that you have with your difficult person.

So many times we think that we need to be the one who has to give something up or we have to be the one to give in and compromise to get along with the difficult person.

We think we have to give up part of who we are. 

I think the opposite is true.  I think that we get show up even more of who and what we already are!

We get to grow, develop our skills, exercise our skill, we get to show up and be our highest and best self regardless of the other person.

To me, this is not doesn’t mean that I am giving up who I am, it’s exercising even more who I am.

Here is my final thought…

It’s totally up to you what you do when you encounter that difficult person at work, but one thing I know for sure, from my own experience is that when you think someone is difficult, it doesn’t change them, it changes you.

Alright my friends…now go have the best week ever!!!